Dear neurotypicals,
Obsessive-compulsive disorder is no joke. This post is NOT for the faint of heart as I’ll be exploring a deeply distressing mental disease. If you know someone suffering from OCD, please encourage them to get the attention they deserve.
I’m assuming you’re aware what obsessions and compulsions are and can see past the stereotype straightened picture frames or neatly organized tabletops. I’m also assuming that you’re aware that a disorder causes impairment in daily functioning and frequent distress.
If you’re fainthearted and aren’t thrilled at non-depressive homicidal or suicidal idealization: have a nice rest of your day!
Raheel J.
Dear people with OCD,
It doesn’t matter what kind you have, whether you’ve been officially diagnosed or not, or whether it’s checking, cleaning, primarily-obsessional, etc. I deeply regret what you’re going through. The only value I can offer is for you to know that you are not alone.
I suffer from Pure-O, or Primarily obsessional obsessive–compulsive disorder: one of the most miserable, vile, and rare forms of OCD.
There aren’t movies like As Good as It Gets (1997) for people with Pure-O, since it’s relatively uncommon compared to the other types. We don’t even get a Modern Love episode on it like the bipolar folks did! Instead, we get things like horror movies, serial killer biopics, violent true crime docs, SAW, etc., all encompassing the crux of the issue: intrusive thoughts.
Now you know why we call it “pure-o” and omit compulsion. But, it should still be called Pure OCD, since there are compulsions, they’re just invisible externally.
| Thought | Reaction | |
|---|---|---|
| Neurotypical Psyche | Kicking a child over while they’re playing outside | “Ugh, that was weird.” |
| Pure-O Psyche | Slashing the throat of the receptionist and feeding him his own earrings through some makeshift tracheotomy (yes, they are that detailed) | “Am I a bad person? Maybe I should stay away from the doctor’s office.” |
Since we’re not bad people (at least I hope we’re not), we try even harder to be good. The intrusive thoughts induce fear of committing such atrocities antithetical to our personality, so we do everything to not act on anything. This anxiety disorder is so horrible that it lowers our self-esteem with every interaction outside of isolation, worsening with every thought.
Eventually we wonder what it would be like if all thoughts stopped. To sleep and dream peacefully and not wake up to a nightmarish reality.
As a therapist once told me: “There’s no problem, it’s all in your head.” Her goal was to inspire a mindset shift (the start of CBT) through mindfulness, embracing every thought without judgement. However, my problem had gone untreated for 6 months, and worsened to the point where I was experiencing breaks from reality.1
Something that severe requires:
-
Many long sessions of CBT/talk therapy
-
Near constant exposure to our fears to desensitize us to them (called Exposure Response Prevention/ERP)
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Medication intervention (the highest dosage of SSRIs like cipralex or fluoxetine)
I’ve done all of these, with minimal effect to my affect. When I first moved out, I externalized my thoughts onto objects like knives, drawings, and blog posts. I wanted the “antisocial” thoughts to become rational actions. Something tangible, so it wasn’t just “in my head.”
Just as psychology predicted, externalizing/projecting emotions doesn’t work. But it’s not all for nothing. Someone with no drawing talent can give you a glimpse inside their mind during manic-depressive episodes. Nevermind, I took the photos down since I can't look at them anymore.
So what fixed it? Surrendering:
- Make intrusive thoughts not intrusive by letting them flow. Don’t judge them; let them come and go in peace.
- Be content with being alone. Alone ≠ lonely: accept yourself as you are: someone with a brain that is attacking itself and who doesn’t let that define them. You are a complete person, and you are enough.
- Keep socializing. Do not isolate yourself; you have done nothing wrong and you will do nothing wrong.
- Embrace the urge to hurt/murder others and yourself. Be grateful for your rationality that you’re not stupid enough to actually act on your urges.
Cheap Trick has a famous contradiction in their song Surrender: "Surrender, but don't give yourself away."
Acceptance. Once I accepted who I was, I stopped drawing. It’s the same as John Nash “accepting” instead of “ignoring” his schizophrenia. I think “treatment” or “cures” are a myth perpetuated by pop culture. Not everyone is given the gift of becoming asymptomatic. As Red from Shawshank so aptly put it:
“Rehabilitated? It's just a bullshit word.”
We are among those who are forever changed. Nobody on earth that deserves to be alive deserves OCD. Just like PTSD, or any mood/personality disorder, it’s not your fault. Put a smile on that face… yes like that, exactly like that.
Stay safe,
Raheel J.
P.S. If you made it to the end, thank you. I've posted a follow up where I found out that all of this was for naught.
-
Quick note: these thoughts occur with everyone except my Mother, the person I am most closest to. ↩
Raheel,
There was a certain point where I was able to connect and relate immediately. Initially, this topic is heavy; and while I've always prioritized and (tried to) familiarize myself on the topic- if mental health were on a scale of severity from 1-100, I would have put this somewhere in the 90's. My current level is more like a 10-12, and the levels of severity I can recall from some of my most challenging times would probably be upper 60's. I was probably there for 10+ years. I am thankful to have found the help I finally needed. It does take a lot of work, and a system that can offer/provide resources that ACTUALLY work. I participated in a group setting, out-patient Cognitive Behavioural treatment program in my early 20s that probably set me up for a successful/healing journey. Thankfully, things aligned in my personal life to support this. And I've been very fortunate to have met 3 different psycho-therapists that were extremely impactful in a positive way. They changed my life and gave me the tools that I needed to "surrender" and let's the feelings or thoughts come. I've recently had one of the most significant relationships in my life get torn to shreds bc this person has judged and dismissed the help I openly require and the work I have done previously on myself and my mental health. "Paying someone to validate me." If I hadn't met this professional 3 years ago, I would likely be struggling a lot more to be left alone, to communicate well enough to my husband that we are always on the same page. I would not be "well" and I know this. Even if they don't understand. Unfortunately, not everyone prioritizes understanding themselves, or recognizing when things are "wrong" or desperately need to change. When you highlight 4 points on surrendering. I could have written the first 3 as points that I use to daily process and "work" through my epilepsy, and the implications it has had on my day-to-day life. This made me really happy, as initially, the intensity of this article seemed heavy, and I was concerned that I could not relate to any extent. I remember being in "the 60s" and every day was a challenge. I hated everything and everyone, and I didn't see the light at the end of any tunnel. I began self harming in many ways. And this was my introduction to adulthood.
I want you to know, that point 4, under "Surrendering" I cannot relate to, but that I actually did recently approach someone with violence. My husband kept me from doing anything I regret, but, I'll leave you with this (and of course, welcome your feedback):
I felt a flash of rage go through my entire body. A stress response. Fight mode.
What brought this on? A person I love and care for deeply insulting me and the work I've done on my mental health. "Paying someone to validate me."
Caleigh,
Thank you for sharing! It's great to know that outpatient CBT and the various specialists you've seen have helped your struggles. I can't imagine being like this for more than 10 years!
If someone hurt me, I would hurt them as punishment. Not all violence is unjustified; it should be a last resort, an alternative to peace. You shouldn't feel ashamed (as far as I know, nothing happened), but rather treat it as a learning experience (as most new experiences are).
I'd also like to clarify that the "urge" I'm referring to is an impulse to make a fantasy come true. If I let the violence get to me, I'll isolate myself, which is counterproductive. But if I embrace the violence, I desensitize myself to it.
Also, I completely agree with you on this:
I think one can only rise once they fall. The only way to know when they've fallen is to pay attention.