[PSA, 2024-11-16] You Are Not Alone

Dear neurotypicals,

Obsessive-compulsive disorder is no joke. This post is NOT for the faint of heart as I’ll be exploring a deeply distressing mental disease. If you know someone suffering from OCD, please encourage them to get the attention they deserve.

I’m assuming you’re aware what obsessions and compulsions are and can see past the stereotype straightened picture frames or neatly organized tabletops. I’m also assuming that you’re aware that a disorder causes impairment in daily functioning and frequent distress.

If you’re fainthearted and aren’t thrilled at non-depressive homicidal or suicidal idealization: have a nice rest of your day!

Raheel J.

Dear people with OCD,

It doesn’t matter what kind you have, whether you’ve been officially diagnosed or not, or whether it’s checking, cleaning, primarily-obsessional, etc. I deeply regret what you’re going through. The only value I can offer is for you to know that you are not alone.

I suffer from Pure-O, or Primarily obsessional obsessive–compulsive disorder: one of the most miserable, vile, and rare forms of OCD.

There aren’t movies like As Good as It Gets (1997) for people with Pure-O, since it’s relatively uncommon compared to the other types. We don’t even get a Modern Love episode on it like the bipolar folks did! Instead, we get things like horror movies, serial killer biopics, violent true crime docs, SAW, etc., all encompassing the crux of the issue: intrusive thoughts.

Now you know why we call it “pure-o” and omit compulsion. But, it should still be called Pure OCD, since there are compulsions, they’re just invisible externally.

Since we’re not bad people (at least I hope we’re not), we try even harder to be good. The intrusive thoughts induce fear of committing such atrocities antithetical to our personality, so we do everything to not act on anything. This anxiety disorder is so horrible that it lowers our self-esteem with every interaction outside of isolation, worsening with every thought.

Eventually we wonder what it would be like if all thoughts stopped. To sleep and dream peacefully and not wake up to a nightmarish reality.

As a therapist once told me: “There’s no problem, it’s all in your head.” Her goal was to inspire a mindset shift (the start of CBT) through mindfulness, embracing every thought without judgement. However, my problem had gone untreated for 6 months, and worsened to the point where I was experiencing breaks from reality.¹

Something that severe requires:

1. Many long sessions of CBT/talk therapy

2. Near constant exposure to our fears to desensitize us to them (called Exposure Response Prevention/ERP)

3. Medication intervention (the highest dosage of SSRIs like cipralex or fluoxetine)

I’ve done all of these, with minimal effect to my affect. When I first moved out, I externalized my thoughts onto objects like knives, drawings, and blog posts. I wanted the “antisocial” thoughts to become rational actions. Something tangible, so it wasn’t just “in my head.”

Just as psychology predicted, externalizing/projecting emotions doesn’t work. But it’s not all for nothing. Someone with no drawing talent can give you a glimpse inside their mind during manic-depressive episodes. Nevermind, I took the photos down since I can't look at them anymore.

So what fixed it? Surrendering:

1. Make intrusive thoughts not intrusive by letting them flow. Don’t judge them; let them come and go in peace.
2. Be content with being alone. Alone ≠ lonely: accept yourself as you are: someone with a brain that is attacking itself and who doesn’t let that define them. You are a complete person, and you are enough.
3. Keep socializing. Do not isolate yourself; you have done nothing wrong and you will do nothing wrong.
4. Embrace the urge to hurt/murder others and yourself. Be grateful for your rationality that you’re not stupid enough to actually act on your urges.

Cheap Trick has a famous contradiction in their song Surrender: "Surrender, but don't give yourself away."

Acceptance. Once I accepted who I was, I stopped drawing. It’s the same as John Nash “accepting” instead of “ignoring” his schizophrenia. I think “treatment” or “cures” are a myth perpetuated by pop culture. Not everyone is given the gift of becoming asymptomatic. As Red from Shawshank so aptly put it:

“Rehabilitated? It's just a bullshit word.”

We are among those who are forever changed. Nobody on earth that deserves to be alive deserves OCD. Just like PTSD, or any mood/personality disorder, it’s not your fault. Put a smile on that face… yes like that, exactly like that.

Stay safe,

Raheel J.

P.S. If you made it to the end, thank you. I've posted a follow up where I found out that all of this was for naught.