Who am I?
I put the fun in dysfunctional,
the LOL in halal,
the cook in cookie monster,
and the bitch in obituary.
I’m an idealist turned realist,
I jest to escape.
A lingering opportunist.
A duct looking for tape.
I play piano like this: asdjf8emx;.lkldihdkkiep[93.
I magnify magnification,
investigate investigations,
generalize generations,
and manage expectations.
I’m chronically dehydrated.
I gander, gander, then gander again.
I’m a bad and blasphemous bible reader.
I have soul, but I hate soles and soul music.
And I’m a basic as bleach consumerist cheerleader.
Zombies hate my mom because she’s Made Of Money
When nobody cares, I’m nobody.
When nobody asks, I explain.
When everyone panics, I relax.
I don't whine, I complain.
People taller than me are too tall.
I’m a noble gas giant.
They call me “Jerry,”
because Jerry Can.
Can garbage too? Very.
My shampoo is a sham,
but at least it’s organic.
My hairy decisions are conditional,
a dry head makes me panic.
I’ve never tripped on acid, because who would drop acid?
Windows and dairy irritate me.
My hard drive is filled with vim key bindings.
I’m a 4K TV on the back of an airplane seat.
My RAM is also full of vim key bindings.
When I don’t have coffee, nothing happens because I’m not addicted.
I like to work out… side.
When I’m workless, I work less.
My work on my resume is on pause.
I move everywhere, so I'm motionless.
I will not attend your seminar.
I’m the caps lock key because I refuse to be used.
I put googly eyes on USB-C drives, so they can see.
My warranty expired 6 months ago, and nobody noticed.
I’m a Dodge Charger because I dodge charges—wirelessly.
I’m partly cloudy with a chance of showers.
I’m like a vacuum sealer: I’ll take your breath away.
(Don’t suck on vacuum sealers.)
I only tan my sunburns.
If I was a planet, I’d be called “et” because I don’t have a plan.
If I had a dog, it would be a labradoodle because I like to doodle while in labs.
If I was a gift, I’d be an overpriced eucalyptus hand soap.
If I was a state anywhere in the world, I’d be gas.
(a noble one, remember?)
I interrupt interruptio—
I’m thick-sculled: the hardship made me tough.
I’m more than religious: I’m sacrilegious.
My favourite number is 8: its in “procrastinate”.
My favourite subject: anyone willing to crown me king.
My favourite part of Lord of the Rings: when Samsung.
My only wish: to itch my brain.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea, but I’m algae, so who cares?
I’m bad!
At rhyming
and timing pauses,
and free verse poetry.
I ponder why I ponder,
I spell avacado incorrectly,
fiction isn’t part of my diction,
And I hate adverbs directly.
I’m a partially impartial,
impotently potent,
contrarian librarian.
I’m GMO-free and grass fed.
They call me a cowboy, but I’m just a boyboy.
I act hip, but that's just my hip acting up.
When people ask me for chapstick
I say "the only chap I know...
is Chapter 11 bankruptcy!"
If you're Canadian: I solved insolvency.
My breakfast is Apple products and blackberries.
I’m an antinatal probiotic,
who's a fan of ceiling fans.
I'm a reincarnation of an OSHA violation
who’s unsympathetic to your sympathy,
and best at forgetting what he’s best at.
I abstain from abstaining.
I degrade school by getting a D grade.
I play Frisbee with herniated discs.
And I flashed 4 people at the same time when I took their group photo.