I like bacon, so much so that I'll be tortured in an eternal pit of fire for it. At least according to the divine revelation I received via fax this morning (God is old, it’ll take him a while before he gets to pagers).
Dear Raheel,
I'll condemn you to eternal torment if you eat anymore pig you swine. I love you my sweet child, but I'll be seeing you soon at this rate.
Sincerely,
God
Unfortunately, there was no returning number where I could send him the middle finger. I pray he sees this message, but he only answers my prayers 50% of the time, so I won’t get my hopes up.
At least he looked away when I was furiously masturbating to Adam Sandler ASMR. Oh shit, I’m getting another fax.